As I write this I am more than certain I am writing only for myself. It is not likely that anyone has been sitting here for the past several months just waiting with the hope I would appear once again.
Many things have kept me away. Packing, moving (again), chasing the Sweet Pea and trying to organize our lives in a new house are among the things that have prevented me from writing. What has stood in the way the most, however, is the current state of the world. There are many things going on right now that cause me to worry. Near the top of my worry list is the current economy, as I’m sure is the case for many of you out there. This is the worry that has kept me from wanting to write. Honestly its kept me from writing, reading or quite frankly even thinking about much of anything.
Like many others the economy is starting to hit home. We are faced with bills that are piling up, the uncertain future of our business and a general uneasiness for the future of our family and friends. Being self employed my husband’s income is anything but stable and as of late it has been very sporadic.
Until this point I have been lucky enough to stay home and raise our beautiful little girl. Now we’ve been discussing the need for me to return to work. I know this is a situation many women find themselves in , and that there are many working mothers out there. My hat is off t these women and my heart goes out to them. I went back to work for a short time when our daughter was very small and it absolutely tore my heart to pieces. I was hardly able to spend any time with her and with my husband on the road a lot she spent most of her time with someone other than her parents. Just thinking about doing that again saddens me. You see, ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mommy. Don’t get me wrong, I also wanted to be a police officer, lawyer and at one point a super hero. Above all I knew someday I would be a mommy.
When first faced with the prospect of having to return to work I was flooded with emotions. Although part of me misses the adult business world, that part is very small. The largest part of me is sad to have to leave my little girl and disappointed about having to leave the house full time and not having time to do the things I love. I won’t have time left to sew, crochet, read, remodel the house or work on landscaping the yard. You know, all the things I do so much of now. These thoughts and the realization of how hard it is to find a job right now that would pay enough to cover day care expenses and still bring in an income have had me really down lately. I spent most of the day Monday feeling down and hopeless when it hit me. I’m home full time now and hardly do any of those things. My sewing machine isn’t even in my house right now. The only thing I’ve crocheted are some dishcloths. My books aren’t even unpacked…You get the idea.
I finally realized that I’ve been so worried about things that were out of my control I let my worries get the best of me. I spent so much time worrying about the future that I forgot to enjoy what we have right now.
I’m not trying to sell myself short. I take care of the house and spend the greatest majority of my day chasing, tickling and teaching our daughter. I’ve even managed to plant some of my little garden. But I haven’t been fully enjoying all the wonderful things I have in my life already. I hadn’t realized how down I’ve been recently. But I have made the decision to start enjoying life as it is and not worrying about the unknown. I may have to go to work to help support my family right now but either way I will make the most of every moment and get back to the things that are important to me.
I’m sitting here right now on the deck of my parents house (where I am supposed to be helping them pack for their move) watching the sun set over the lake as my beautiful daughter runs through the yard kicking at dandelions. It is at this moment I realize how truly blessed we really are. This moment is what makes life wonderful and truly worth living. That being said, I am off to enjoy the moment…